Graham Reid | | 3 min read
An announcement today by WHO (World Health Officers) has confirmed that the Covfefe Virus is now a global pandemic as it spreads unchecked.
The virus – which is considered an extreme and aberrant form of what was called Benito's Disease which appeared in the Thirties in Italy – has spread at an alarming rate in the past five years.
It now infects most Western nations, areas of South America, Indonesia, Russia and the Middle East.
Dr Mohammad Lee of the Institute for Research in Infectious Diseases in Bonn noted that Covfefe first appeared in isolated pockets in the US in 2015/2016 and seems to have been spread by a single individual.
“Our Typhoid Mary of Covfefe, so to speak, seems to have been extremely mobile during that period and spread the infection into communities in the Midwest initially and then right across the continental United States.
“It is an extremely virulent disease and unlike most others isn't solely spread by human contact. In fact, many of those infected actually self-isolate or congregate with those similarly infected.
“What makes this virus unique is that it's transmitted by social media.”
Symptoms of the disease were initially identified as arrogance, bullying, self-entitlement, congenital lying and a lack of self-awareness.
Over a remarkably short period of time however these traits have morphed into sexism, racism, a proclivity towards violent acts with little or no understanding of consequences and the infected person's innate belief in themselves as being right in all circumstances.
“The great concern now,” says Dr Mary Jean d'Arc of the Sorbonne's Infectious Social Media Unit in Paris, “is that through Twitter, various apps and algorithms which are instant and often seemingly persuasive, lies spread around the world like invisible drones while the truth is still eating its granola.
“We have located a key player in all of this whom we identify only as DT@WHinDC, but it is the infected who are the most active in spreading this almost uncontrollable disease.
“There are whole media networks which are very foxy in how they disseminate the misinformation which spreads the Covfefe Virus.”
While no nation yet has gone into complete lockdown to prevent the spread of the virus some countries -- notably the US and Britain – are moving towards an isolationist policy, ironically not to prevent the spread of the disease globally but to embed it within their own borders.
“By doing that Covfefe has the ability – through global media, travel of infected individuals and social media – to become even more powerful,” says Dr d'Arc.
As the virus has mutated there have been off shoots such as the recently identified Quixote Disease in which the infected individual imagines dangerous monsters and giants where there are none, and Munchausen's Syndrome in which those at the most serious end of the spectrum believe themselves to be superhuman and capable of incredible feats, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Rare individuals such as DT@WHinDC appear to have all of these.
When asked how people can best protect themselves from Covfefe and its mutations, University of Bristol researcher Dr Fiona Greenbelt expressed frustration.
“Christ, I don't know. Read a goddamn book? Get yourself educated? Don't believe the bullshit? These seem pretty obvious to me . . . but frankly it's depressing. This thing looks out of control now.
“It's like this great orange-coloured dragon dragging a golf-cart full of psychotic dysfunctionalism which has mutant offspring with wild hair and profound self-belief in their own sense of what's best for everyone else. But, in truth, they are doing what's best for themselves.
“It's a disease which began as a psychosis but has taken on a political and social dimension.
“Seems madness is contagious after all. I'm heavily into self-medicating these days.
"Got anything good and strong?”
For other articles along these lines, but more humorous, check out Absurd Elsewhere here.