Come, feel the noize: A true story from the suburbs

 |   |  2 min read

Come, feel the noize: A true story from the suburbs

A question: is female orgasm the satisfied whimper at the end, or the 40 minutes of moaning and groaning which my neighbour does loudly at 2am? Or at 6am.

Living in a block of townhouses brings with it a certain unwanted knowledge of your neighbour's intimacies, although I am a little unsure as to whether they are unhappy about us knowing. She once said, "you've probably heard us" which indicates she knows her groans can carry.

And if she was in any doubt -- although perhaps she was too busy to notice -- about 1am a fortnight ago, when her moans were echoing around the courtyard, one guy came out on his patio and yelled, "Give her one for me, and give her one for the rest of us too".

For a few weeks I have said to myself, "Well, it could be worse. They could be fighting".

But while I used to admire their stamina now I just find it inconsiderate. My sour mood today -- they started around 7am when she came in from work -- isn't helped by the arrival of a new neighbour across the courtyard a week ago.

Things just got worse.

For the first few days he danced around his lounge in full view from my kitchen bench doing hip-hop manoeuvres (which really do look odd coming from a rotund, a-rhythmic white guy) and drank beer. Then he collapsed.

But this morning at just after 5am his unit exploded with noise as he started his own dance party.

The walls of the block shook, his neighbours' lights went on and the young Asian student next door to him came out helplessly in her dressing gown, while he and his mates bellowed at each other, and Fatboy Slim or some other repetitive shit rattled my windows on the other side of the carpark.

While I was making a cup of tea at 6am -- there was nothing else to do -- my wife got onto noise control. She had to wait on the line for about 20 minutes -- the music they had while she was on hold were classic NZ hits played very loudly she said -- and when she got through she was told that they'd already had three other complaints. They would be sending someone.

We went back to bed and the van outside the guy's place revved up amidst hoots and shouts then took off, the music played on for a while and then wound down.

I guess at some point noise control may have arrived and had a wee word because a bit later when I was up reading the paper at a more reasonable hour I saw him on his patio glowering around the apartments, then he went back inside and pulled his curtains. I guess he crashed.

My belief is noise control should be allowed to come back at this time, knock loudly on the door and wake the bastard up. That would be appropriate.

Anyway, he was quiet around 7am when my neighbour started her moaning. Loudly. I hope she woke him up, like she did us at 2am the other morning.

See my logic? If noise control had arrived then they could have got two for the price of one.

I feel like I'm stuck between a cock and a hard case.

Share It

Your Comments

Giovanni - Oct 24, 2008

Whoah! I just knew you were going somewhere unsavoury with that one.

Nick - Oct 28, 2008

Start a rumour amongst your neighbours that the a-rhythmic white guy is a meth dealer. That will spread, and within a fortnight will become 'fact', at which time the cops will hassle him to death.

As for the orgasmatron - is she hot/kinda hot? All you can do is close your eyes and imagine some fantasy. But I'm guessing she's not, or you wouldn't be complaining...

Phil - Sep 2, 2015

While I would never condone any form of physical response, I will say that a grapefruit (so such) lobbed high enough and at the appropriate time can sound like someone/thing heavy running across your roof and is almost guaranteed to either wake you up or kill your passion. Just saying.

post a comment

More from this section   Something articles index

TODAY IN HISTORY: The day John Kennedy died

TODAY IN HISTORY: The day John Kennedy died

In a recent interview with Elsewhere in advance (well in advance) of his two concerts in New Zealand next year, the conversation with Steve Earle turned -- as it usually does with him -- to... > Read more

RADIO RADIO: Odd podcasts from Radio New Zealand's Concert Programme

RADIO RADIO: Odd podcasts from Radio New Zealand's Concert Programme

For many years now I have been contributing a 20 minute chat with music to Radio New Zealand's Upbeat segment on the Concert Programme. My brief has been broad, so broad that I might be best... > Read more

Elsewhere at Elsewhere

STRAND OF OAKS INTERVIEWED (2017): Coming to terms with himself

STRAND OF OAKS INTERVIEWED (2017): Coming to terms with himself

For a guy who has been battered by life and battered himself, Tim Showalter – who performs as Strand of Oaks – sounds remarkable cheerful, funny and upbeat when we catch at home in a... > Read more

The Jac: Nerve (Rattle Jazz)

The Jac: Nerve (Rattle Jazz)

Although the idea of band growing out of a rehearsal outfit for staff and students at a music college doesn't exactly make the heart leap with anticipation, The Jac here are something quite... > Read more