Come, feel the noize: A true story from the suburbs

A question: is female orgasm the satisfied whimper at the end, or the 40 minutes of moaning and groaning which my neighbour does loudly at 2am? Or at 6am.

Living in a block of townhouses brings with it a certain unwanted knowledge of your neighbour's intimacies, although I am a little unsure as to whether they are unhappy about us knowing. She once said, "you've probably heard us" which indicates she knows her groans can carry.

And if she was in any doubt -- although perhaps she was too busy to notice -- about 1am a fortnight ago, when her moans were echoing around the courtyard, one guy came out on his patio and yelled, "Give her one for me, and give her one for the rest of us too".

For a few weeks I have said to myself, "Well, it could be worse. They could be fighting".

But while I used to admire their stamina now I just find it inconsiderate. My sour mood today -- they started around 7am when she came in from work -- isn't helped by the arrival of a new neighbour across the courtyard a week ago.

Things just got worse.

For the first few days he danced around his lounge in full view from my kitchen bench doing hip-hop manoeuvres (which really do look odd coming from a rotund, a-rhythmic white guy) and drank beer. Then he collapsed.

But this morning at just after 5am his unit exploded with noise as he started his own dance party.

The walls of the block shook, his neighbours' lights went on and the young Asian student next door to him came out helplessly in her dressing gown, while he and his mates bellowed at each other, and Fatboy Slim or some other repetitive shit rattled my windows on the other side of the carpark.

While I was making a cup of tea at 6am -- there was nothing else to do -- my wife got onto noise control. She had to wait on the line for about 20 minutes -- the music they had while she was on hold were classic NZ hits played very loudly she said -- and when she got through she was told that they'd already had three other complaints. They would be sending someone.

We went back to bed and the van outside the guy's place revved up amidst hoots and shouts then took off, the music played on for a while and then wound down.

I guess at some point noise control may have arrived and had a wee word because a bit later when I was up reading the paper at a more reasonable hour I saw him on his patio glowering around the apartments, then he went back inside and pulled his curtains. I guess he crashed.

My belief is noise control should be allowed to come back at this time, knock loudly on the door and wake the bastard up. That would be appropriate.

Anyway, he was quiet around 7am when my neighbour started her moaning. Loudly. I hope she woke him up, like she did us at 2am the other morning.

See my logic? If noise control had arrived then they could have got two for the price of one.

I feel like I'm stuck between a cock and a hard case.